Journal of Forgiveness

I love drawing book! Not just like it, but I love it! I remember when I was a kid, I use it all the time to draw what I wanted. But the other main things beside the book itself were pencil and eraser. When I wanted to draw a mountain and I made a mistake, I just erased it. That's what we supposed to do too in our daily life.

Forgive Others.

Whether you have realized it or not, forgiveness is against our nature. We, naturally, do not have the capability to forgive. Our nature is to destroy. That's why when someone hurt us, we want them to feel the pain too. That's why when someone lie to us, we can't go to them and smile and hug them. That's why when someone disappoint us, we want to kick, punch, slam, and slice them apart! (okay, I know that was too exaggerating..).

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times. (Matthew 18:21-22)

Jesus said we have to forgive someone up to seventy seven times (based on international version) or in the North America version, Jesus said we have to forgive someone up to seventy times seven! Let's do the math.. 70 x 7 = 490.. If there are 18 people that hurt you and for every 1 person that hurt you, you need 490 prayer, that means 490 x 18 = 8,820 prayers! Okay, enough with the math..it's holiday.

8,820 prayers show that forgiveness isn't easy and takes time. I will talk about it later though.

When you forgive someone , it doesn't mean you forget them. People sometimes confuse between the lines of forgive and forget. Forgive doesn't equal forget. They are 2 different things. I still remember though who used to bully me, who took away my money, who lied to me, who cheated behind my back, who pretended to be nice to me just for their own good, who pretended to be friends yet they left me when I needed them the most, yet I already forgive them. How? Pray.

I have a friend who had this grudge for his father for many years. Yet, now he's free from hatred. No more grudge, no more tears, no more anger.. only smile and he isn't shame to share his stories.. anytime. I asked him that one time, how come he could forgive his father that he used to hate so much, he gave me this beautiful answer. "To forgive means to accept. To accept your conditions were never easy. I used to feel hatred deep down inside.. I prayed for bad things that I wish fell upon my father.. Yet it never happened. Not even one time. And I started to think that God is choosing side. But I was wrong. No, God never choose side. He is neutral. My father left me, my brother, my sister and my mom, for other woman. My mom has to work day in , day out just to make sure me, my brother, and my sister have something to eat. I used to cry everyday. Until one day I changed my prayer. I prayed for the healthy life of my father..for his happiness. I started to understand that time, God wants to change my father, but first, He wants to change me. Pray keeps my sanity. Pray changes my hatred into love. Pray teaches me to forgive. I imagined if my father never left me that day. Today, I will not be who I am. I can't share any stories to people. Things happened because they have to. And when you started to accept those things that happened, you start to forgive others..and yourself."

Forgive Yourself.

I know some people are having a really hard time to forgive themselves. Some people put this high pressure above their head. Some people let others perception becoming their reality. Friends, maybe you can't accept your weakness, maybe other people can't too, but God can. It's time to let it go.

The famous story from bible about a woman who committed adultery and caught straight away by Pharisees, we can learn from there. When everyone look at her as a prostitute, everyone was so eager to throw that stone, Jesus wasn't. He didn't see her past. The Pharisees said, "Hey Jesus , let's throw stone at her.. It's written in the law.. She's sinner!". If Jesus wasn't Jesus , He would say , "You were right! Pffftttt what a shame, girl.. I have to punish you too..". But Jesus didn't say that. He said, "He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her." (John 8:7). He even said this to her, "Neither do I condemn you: go, and sin no more." (John 8:11). People saw her as a sinner..prostitute. Jesus saw her as a human.

Or maybe we can learn from Peter. Peter was the number one apostle. Jesus said to him that he will be given the key to open the gate door of heaven. Yet, he lied about Jesus not once but three times. When Jesus needed him the most, he's gone. I can't imagine how he felt that time. Full of regrets. Sad. Guilty. Disappointed. But, when Jesus rose from the dead, He only asked this question to Peter: "Do you love me?" and Peter answered yes. And that happened for three times (John 21:15-17).

If Jesus wasn't Jesus, He would say, "Well.. well.. well.. Peter, so you lied about Me three times, didn't you?".

"Oh..gosh.. My Lord... I..I.. I..."

"Cut it off Peter.. You really disappoint me.. I guess there will be no key of heaven for you.. bye."

Jesus didn't focus on what has been done, what has gone wrong, but He focus on love and future.

Friends, don't put too much pressure on yourself. I have seen people that condemn themselves, said to themselves "I am a failure", "My life is so hard", "I don't have anything left", and other sentences with a lot of negativity in them. Relax and laid back for a moment. God accept your weakness. God forgive you even before you ask for it. So forgive yourself and don't be too hard on yourself.

Slow Down..and Move On.

We live in a fast world where everything has to be fast. When you ask for forgiveness or when you want to forgive yourself, I suggest slow down. Don't expect results over night. It takes time. Move one step at a time. Keep praying.

I will share you one more story before I end this journal.

I have a friend, a girl, who has been cheated by her boyfriend not just once but up to 4 times!

She said to me one day, "Martin, my friends said that they saw my boyfriend is dating another girl .. they saw him at the mall.. what should I do?'

"You sure your friends don't lie?"

"No! They are my best friends! They won't lie!"

I said, "Ok, go talk to him and cut him loose.. broke up with him. He doesn't love you.."

"Okay!" she said with full of spirit that time.

Few weeks later, she came to me again, this time with a little bit of tears, "Martin, my boyfriend has cheated me again.."

I was quite shocked and asked her, "Which boyfriend?"

"The old one.. I didn't break up with him.. When I talked to him, he convinced me that he loves me! He said that he will broke up with that girl.. He did! But he starts another relationship with another girl.."

"My suggestion is still the same.. leave him.."

She nodded her head and left.

One month later, she came to me again, this time few tears have dropped down to her cheeks, "Martin, he did it again!"

"Who did what?"

"My boyfriend! I forgive him two times yet he still cheat on me!"

"My suggestion, do you still want to hear it?"

"Yes!" she said with eager.

"Leave him!"

"This time for sure!" she said and swept her tears away.

Two months later, she came to me again, this time she cried like a drama queen star, "Martin, my boyfriend has left me for another girl! And this time for real!"

"What do you expect?" I asked.

"I forgive him three times..I expect he never ever left me.."

"Well you need him and it looks like you are in a wrong lane. Listen, need and love are two different things. Forgive and go back together are two different things too! When you forgive him, it doesn't mean you have to be together with him..he doesn't need your love.. he needs your tough love!"

Friends, forgiveness doesn't mean you have to be together anymore. Forgiveness isn't about you lend some money to your friend and then he took away your money, and you forgive him, then you lend him money again just for him to take it away again! That isn't forgiveness. Forgiveness is about freedom! Free from the pain, free from tears, free from hatred, free from anger..

I hope you can forgive the others. I hope you can forgive yourself. And if you find you can't, remember that God has forgiven you, even before you asked. So, let others and yourself enjoy the same blessing... A blessing of forgiveness.

-M-

Journal of Hope

I read the newspaper or even news on the internet, I found it was kinda easy to find news about suicidal. It's so sad. My question is : why. Why people lose their purpose? Why people lose their determination? Why people lose their hope? In the U.S. , young people from age 19 to 24 , the rate to commit suicide is 12.7% out of 100,000 people. Which means 12,700 young people gone from this world per year because they kill themselves. Hard, cold, sad fact.

A Glimpse of Hope

Hope, simple yet powerful word. Talk about hope then let God be your master of hope.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11)

God plans is bigger than yours. That's why you failed. That's why you stumbled. That's why you feel pain. That's why you feel hurt. That's why sometimes your plan didn't work. We are planning something that we thought it's going to make us happy, but it isn't God's plan, it is your plan. God only has one plan which is to prosper you and not to harm you! To give you hope and future! And that's it that. He doesn't sit down in heaven and talk with His angels, "Hmmm Martin did it again. He commits the same sin , day in , day out. Ok, let's leave him be. I failed. He's a stubborn guy."

Friends let me tell you today, God will stick with His plan to make you happy! God will do whatever it takes to push you to the happy ending He already prepares for you!

"But Martin, how come God wants me to be happy when my parents are sick, my business goes bankrupt, I'm out of job, my kids don't want to speak with me no more, my wife cheated behind my back, how come there is still hope?"

What is your image of God?

Maybe people around you do care about your past, but God doesn't. Have you ever heard the name of Saint Afra? A martyr and a saint. Do you know what she used to be in the past? A prostitute! Yes she was. And yet God still loves her.

People will ask you about your past, about what you've done, they maybe will judge from your mistakes. I believe God is a happy God. He doesn't care about your past. What you used to be. He only cares about who you are going to be. That's because I believe He is a loving father who will run to hug you when you come back home. A father who will throw a party to celebrate that you have come back home. He will sing a song for you. He will play a guitar for you and even He will dance with you to celebrate!

But some people put the same image of their unloving parents and plot it into God's image, who likes to hit them. They put their ignorant friends image into God's image, who don't even care about you at all. Hope comes from the image you form. How come you can hang your hope if you think and see that God is an angry God? It's impossible. You have to change your image of God first.

Are you trying to breathe under water?

Imagine one day you are in the middle of swimming pool, 2 meters deep. You are not swimming, you are drowning! You move your hands and legs randomly. It doesn't help. You feel that the water starts to fill your mouth and the water starts to feel like it sucks you down.

Problems are like water. It drowns you. Some people will think "That's it that..my life has ended.. I can't swim..I'm dead.."

Friends, when you are under water, you will see the sky is blurry. You feel that you can't breathe, but that's because you are still under water! You can't see well, you can't speak well, you can't move freely or jump, that's because you are still under water! You feel there is no hope.. Your problems are bigger than you.. Everything falls into pieces.. Everything goes wrong.. That's because you are still 'under water'! But help is coming!

God is your life guard. He watches you all the time. When you are drowning , He knows it. He runs and dives straight into the water, its us who like to do the unbelievable.. Instead of letting God helps us, we are trying to breathe under water! Some people feel comfort to be under water and start to breathe! Of course it hurts.. of course you can't hold on.. We are not fish, we are humans.. God designed us to live here, above the water, on the ground. Where you can see the sky is clear, where you can breathe easily, you can jump and move freely! God's plan is for us to be happy.. That's why real happiness is only come from God. People can give you pleasure, but when it comes to happiness, rely on God.

Diamond in the making

God wants you to be a diamond. To make one isn't easy. It has to go through a cutting process. Cut is soft word. It has to be sawed to become one!

Coal and diamond are made from the same basic material, but diamonds are being sawed, the pressure is high. It is because diamond is so strong and unbreakable. Hardness, from scale 1 to 10 , diamond is at 10.

Are you a coal or are you a diamond? God wants you to be a diamond. The question is, do you want to become one? If the answer is yes , then be glad if you are under pressure now. That is a sign from God that you are going through the cutting process and your time to shine is coming.

Right now, maybe your family is falling apart. Your father always gets angry , your mother doesn't care about you, your brother is making a mess and dragging you into trouble. You even barely talk with each other anymore.

Maybe you failed to build a relationship. Someone special left you, just like that. Someone you love and trust, left you without saying a word or feel sorry at all. You feel down. Your heart is shattered into pieces. You feel disappointed.

Some of you feel tired and sick with your jobs. You give your heart and soul for your jobs, but your boss doesn't even say a thing when you were right, when you were wrong, hell broken lose. You just feel fed up and want to go out.

Friends, there is hope. Don't give up, because God will never give up on you. You are under water now, but help is coming and your time to live above water and breathe fresh air is about to come. Don't stop believing, because God is believe in your future, He doesn't care about your past! You feel the pressure is high. The pain is unbearable. That's because you are a diamond! You are God's diamond! You are worthed in His eyes. He loves you so much and sacrifices His own son to save us. Put your hope in Him. Feel His love today. See that hope today.

-M-

Journal of Anger

People said life is simple .. u make a decision and never look back.. I agree.

Life is full of promises.. some will be done..some will be gone with the air. Believe me.. promise is good. But its better if u don't swallow it right down into your throat. People just saying happy things to make u happy , when it comes the time to deliver that promise, they will say 'Sorry I just can't...' . Their sorry have value , your sorry? None at all.

Love is even more complicated and painful. It's so easy to say 'I love u' when u are happy, when that adrenaline kicks ur brain the hell out of your head. It's so easy to say 'I miss u' when u are far away and ur adrenaline controls ur brain. It's easy to say 'I wanna hug u', 'I want to go to the mall with u', 'Kiss for u', 'Honey', when everything goes right. My question is where is the love when u need it the most? Gone. Where is the love when u made mistake? Gone. All there is left to say is 'We don't match each other anymore.' When things go wrong, they even don't want to hold your hands like you have some diseases.. like u are a garbage. They don't even want to touch u somehow. Lover is just like 2 people on a boat. When a waves hit the boat, the other one starts to blame u for ur mistake.. they don't want to hear ur explanation. They don't even care that u already hurt and tired. They just leave the boat whether u like it or not... and there u are.. all alone again... paddle ur way..with tears streaming down ur face..u hope that they will give a shit..but they don't. They are gone already.

Kindness.... this one is just...unspeakable sometimes. How many times have u done nice things in ur life? Many times. How many times it will cross people mind that u have done something nice in their life? Rarely..close to 0. All that sacrifice to show that we are kind enough , sometimes just gone. People won't even remember it. People tend to forget quick when it comes to kindness. When u did something bad.. people will always remember it. Stick to their heart. They all of a sudden can't forget about it. They don't even say 'thanks' when u are nice, but when u made mistake they don't wanna hear ur sorry. Things go mad. Hell broken lose. All of good things u have done gone.. they won't even remember it. They even don't want to look at it. They only see ur negativity somehow.

Anger.... I'm angry by the time I wrote this. Yes I am. I'm in incredible pain by the time I wrote this. Yes I am. They said I'm childish..they said I'm not gentle.. I said ask urself first..Have u put some respect for me? I'm mad. Yes I am. I'm just human with this kind of emotion. Anger is one of the emotion I have. U stomp on my pride. U disrespect me. U already made decision but act as if there is still hope. Don't give me hope when there is none. Don't give me promises u can't deliver. Don't say u love me when u can't love in the end.

People said life is simple.. u make a decision and never look back. I made mine. My decision is not to look back.

-M-

Journal Of Time

Today, I'm going to share with you a simple and short journal. Some people think that life is hanging by a rope, whereby when you are still young, you got nothing to worry about. You can live your life careless. You can live your life without rules, without respect, without scared, and to some youngsters...without God.

The truth is our life hanging by a thread. A thin, simple, and so fragile thread. A baby, even before they were born can be died inside his mom's womb. Every second, every moment, anyone in this world can be gone. Statistics said that every second, around 3 people died in this world. Tikkkk ...tookkk.. tikkkk... tokkk... 12 people gone. That someone could be the one we know or we care about or ... we love.

Believe me when I said we are waiting for a bus from heaven to pick us up. How, when, where, I don't know. What I know is that it will come for certain. It will come for every one of us in this world without exception, whether we are ready or not. The question is what are we doing while we are waiting?

I will share with you 2 stories.

Meet Mark, a successful business man with a beautiful wife and a beautiful daughter. He used to live in Germany. He has everything, money, luxury cars, a huge house. Every single thing to show how success he is. Long story short, he moved to Australia to expand his business. He made the biggest mistake ever, cheat on his wife for another woman! Soon enough his wife found out his lies. She asked for a divorce and it happened.

A few years later, financial crisis is coming. His business is starting to go down, down, down, and finally got bankrupt. His new wife left him. He has no place to stay. The worst thing is he has no family. His daughter refused to see him and his ex wife did not want to see him either. He is homeless, jobless, and as if that is not bad enough, he is starting to get sick. Coughing all the time. Someone from the church said that maybe he has lung cancer... and from the look of things, he is going to die alone.

Anna is another story. She has a son and a daughter and a nice husband. One day, she felt something wrong with her chest. She went to the doctor. The doctor said, "I'm sorry Mrs. Anna, you have a breast cancer". She was shocked! "How much time do I have, doctor?". "Well , maybe around 4 months..I'm so sorry to inform you this."

But she refused to give up. She said, "I still have to take care of my children and my husband. I have to be there when my children are getting married. I want to live to cook every single night for my family. I want to teach my daughter how to play a violin." She went home and instantly, everything is changed! She hugs her children tightly, spend more time with her family, she enjoys every single second that she has in her life. Why? Because she knows she is dying. But now, she is completely healed and still live her beautiful life.

Friends, our waiting time is our living time. Different people, spend it differently. But dying people are the one who spend their time the most wisely. Simply because they know they have to create moments. Let me repeat the key word, MOMENTS. At the end of the day, you will realize moments are all we have.

I have 2 friends that have passed away. They left me a message about how to live a life with the time we have, well if I can change the word me into 'us', then they left us a message... live a life as if we are dying. We are not dying, but we are 'dying'. We are hanging by a thread, it is so thin and can be easily cut down anytime. That's why we are 'dying'. Every single second counts. Every moment counts. Every little things we do while we are waiting.....count.

Tonight, some people will come home and moan about their works, their boss, their friends.

Tonight, some people will complain about their family, the traffic, the weather, the food.

Tonight, some people will angry about their life, their cars, their house.

But tonight, some people will realize that we are 'dying' and start to live a life like a dying man.

-M-

Note : this journal is dedicated to my friends, Milke Angelia and David Enggar. May you guys rest in peace and have a good time in heaven. GBU. =)