Journal of Love

To be honest, this is the hardest journal that I've ever written and ever will. Because when it comes to love there is no simple way to describe it, to define it, and the most important thing for some people, it's not that easy to feel.

Well , there are two types of love, vertical and horizontal. Vertical is between U and God. Horizontal is between U and people. Let me tell U a little secret about love. It's all about relationships. Believe it or not, your happiness depend on Your relationships. When Your relationships are just fine than U are a happy person. But when it is not then You're a miserable one.

The problem is some people lack of love while the others feel too much 'love'. And what is 'love' anyway U ask me?? 'Love' is the wrong concept about love. Let me put it into some stories to make it easier to understand.

John (not his real name) is a 36 years old guy, a successful business man with a lot of money. He can buy anything he wants. U name it, he buys it. Cars, house, even sex. But he is so unhappy. Because in the end no money in this world can buy love. He lacks the feel of love.

Second story, Mary, a 20 years old girl. Beautiful, smart, well known. She has a boyfriend who always give her anything she wants. If she wants a new pair of shoes, this boy will buy the shoes for her. If she wants new clothes, new jewelries, anything, her boyfriend will buy it for her. After college, she never worried, because she has a personal driver. At home she always get anything she wants from her parents. Her parents always fulfill everything she wants! Just like her boyfriend. Deep down inside her heart, she feels terribly unhappy. Because she feels too much 'love'! She can't have a 'NO' as an answer. She can't accept the feel of being rejected.

While Sarah is a 21 years old girl, who loves to pray. She attends mass on Sunday, she helps her community. But she never feels the love of God. She feels that what she has done is just a burden. It is because she feels guilty if she is not doing that. Well U can't feel the love of God with that. U can feel the love of God from the activities U do for God. The people U meet in Your community, only through that way U can feel it.

U see from the stories that healthy relationships can't be found. John builds a relationship with people for money, business. And he builds a relationship with girls just to have sex. Can he find any love in this kind of relationship? No. Mary builds her relationship with her boyfriend and her parents, so can she can get anything she wants. She thinks because she has a nice clothes, brand new shoes, nice cars, she will be happy. She will be loved. No.

When it comes to love, I tell U that it will consist of two things. First is feel. Second is act. Let me ask U a question what do u do when U FEEL sad?? What do U do when U FEEL mad?? What do U do when U feel happy?? To answer that U will answer with an ACT. U may said 'Well Martin if I'm sad , I'm just stand and doing nothing.' Well I said stand is an act. Or when U mad , U do nothing too. Well breathe is an act. U just don't realize it. So what do U do when U love someone??

So how do we build a good relationships? How do we feel love? Well my friends, I'll tell U what I know. Some people have a bad relationship with family, some others have a bad relationship with other people. While the others have a bad relationship with God. To fix it, fix your heart. Because U can only feel love through Your heart. U have a good heart , U have love. U have love , U will feel it.

In the end of this journal, I'll tell U something very important. Love and hurt is like a flip-flop. Like two sides on a coin. Sometimes when U love, U will get hurt. I won't lie to U. U love Your parents, but some parents are too busy, too selfish and U will get hurt because of that. And when U love someone, they don't love U back. It really hurts. I've been there. Sometimes the truth is ugly. Life doesn't go where we want it to be. But in this life, we always need love. U fail build a good relationships, U fail in life. Because at the end of the day that's what life is all about, relationships. Someday when U get older, like about 70 or 80, U will want to remember all the lovely things U have done in this world. U won't remember the pain. So love like U have never been hurt before.


-M-

Journal of Loneliness

Life is all alone.. U born alone, U die alone.. When U're different, U'll see that most of the time, U'll spend Your time alone..

U sit, stand, walk, run .. U see left, right, front, back .. no one there..

U do good things to the other.. it will evaporate into the air .. U do bad things to the other , it'll stick to their heart..

Kindness is something that easily to be forgotten.. wickedness is something that we always remember...

Friends are people who come when U sit alone..they sit right next to U.. talk, laugh, eat, drink together.. but in the end, they just go.. and there we are.. all alone.. again..

Our words never reach anyone heart..our kindness is meaningless.. it just feels like we're never good enough..

We pray hard.. so hard that our heart starts to screaming out loud too.. and hope that God will listen to it even just for one second..

Lover is someone who come when U paint a picture on a white canvas.. when they see what U paint, they can like it or not.. when they like it, they will stay to see the result.. but when they don't , they will left... U just hope that they can stay to see what U are really trying to paint here.. they won't listen to U.. they don't even give a damn about how U gonna be.. and U will keep painting..all alone..


For me , I'm alone but not lonely... I trust people, I do good things to people, I care about the others.. but it never enough.. I still spend most of my time alone.. people hurt me, lie to me, they don't even give a damn.. not feelin' guilty at all .. they just say 'sorry' and daaannngggg everything will be ok.. everything will be clear.. no hard feeling at all .. they hope so.. they hope life is as easy as that.. but it isn't.. 'Sorry' won't fix anything..After read this, I hope U'll understand that not all the people in this world are the same.. we can laugh together, eat together, watch a movie together, sing together, even pray together.. but when it comes to the end, U'll see that sometimes it's better to let them go.. and all alone.. again..

-M-

A Journal of Life

Some people said that life is like a long journey..a very very long journey with different path to take and a lot of choice to make.. it's just like a long winding road with no end.. For me, this life is just like a stairs.. U know the older U are, the better U are, the problem U're going to get will be harder too.. When I was 10 years old, I never thought about relationship, thesis, job, etc.. But now everything is different..I have to think about this and that.. I have to do what I don't really care about back then.. I've met people that act like an ass, I've met people that have a heart like an angel.. I've seen people that don't give a care about their education, I've seen people who have a big responsibility about their education.. I've heard people that talk about bullshit, I've heard people that talk with full of sense and make me learn about something..

In this life, there will be a lot of choice.. of course.. but do we always make the right choice? not really.. the basic thing to make a choice is by using your own heart.. not other people word.. what if I choose the wrong choice? that's called risk.. at least when U make the wrong choice because your own decision, U will learn one thing.. U learn how to make things right.. experience is a very very very expensive thing U know.. U can't buy it anywhere.. go to the book store and U won't find it.. go to the mall and U won't find it either.. only by feel what U have to feel , U will learn.. because we are human..and sometimes our heart and head are as hard as a rock..

So, what is the purpose of this life? Where is this thing that we called a life will take us? I don't know..I don't have the answer for U and myself.. But I'll share something that will open your mind.. The purpose of life is the same with the reason why we exist.. Do U know why we, human, exist? Why human that do bad things don't get killed by God himself and God send him straight to hell? In my opinion, maybe..it's just a maybe.. maybe because we are the miracle.. people ask to God for a miracle..but what if we are already the miracle? we help each other, we drag bad people out of 'their circle', we give advice to everyone that need our help, we choose education over drugs..isn't that a miracle?? maybe that's why we exist..to bring a miracle for anyone that need us..

This life will take us exactly where we need to be.. U'll see that when U live other's people life, U won't stand a chance.. I used to think that everybody's else life is better than mine..but I was wrong.. There is no such a thing as a better life.. There's only one kind of life..THE BEST.. Yupz, your life, my life, it's already the best that God can give to us.. One time I laughed 'til I cried, but the other day I cried 'til I felt like I don't have tears anymore.. I've been in a crowd and feel like everyone got my back, but some other time I just sat alone and not havin' anyone to talk..just to share some stories..just me..alone..lookin' the sky and doin' nothing.. I've been there..believe me..

The conclusion from me is..Life is good.. U will live your life at the fullest, at the best when U can be friends with your own condition and with yourself.. Why do I share this with U all?? Nothing..just share my minds..maybe it'll help U sometimes later..maybe it's just a piece of junk for U..maybe it's just a note for U.. I don't know.. but thanks for reading or not..even if U just read the title, I still say thanks..God bless.. ^^